Before we begin, I’ll have you know that I am not on medication so Vodka is perfectly acceptable for a person in my deprived state.
I was your regular smart kid. Doofy. Doofy looking.
But I wasn’t hyperactive.
I never noticed the spaciness until one day I was playing outside and I stopped to think about something and in that moment my mother yelled at me.
In her own words I was being a rude child who purposely ignored the adults talking to her.
“But I’m not ignoring you. why are you yelling at me?”
Apparently one of her friends who was sitting right beside me was talking to me.
I apologized for not having heard her. And then my mother yelled at me for lying.
“You always do that. You ignore people when they talk to you by pretending not to hear.”
She called me a liar in front of her adult friend who now also believed I am a rude child so of course I yelled back.
I wanted to know….How long have I been like this? I was around 10 years old and she waited to start this argument in front of everyone and their mother (literally) before asking me what my problem was?
There I stood dumbfounded and concerned that I may have accidentally been ignoring a shit ton of people. I felt awful.
Hold on. I still feel awful.
Now that we’ve uncovered a secret memory, that I still often think about, let’s have another drink.
Right before I decided to check out my WordPress account, which has been “under construction” since last year, I was looking for a job which utilizes all of my talents. I also really want the Google Pixel 2 but I was denied financing for some reason, that’s probably my credit score, so I really need a higher paying job.
Thanks a lot, Google.
So I Googled other ways to be able to afford this phone.
Some other form of discount maybe? Because, let’s be honest, paying close to $1,000 for a cell phone in one sitting is like giving up food for 2 weeks and living off the office’s stashed ramen.
And there were my Google results. $300 off the Google Pixel 2XL IF Verizon is my carrier. Oh HO HO! I am clearly not the father.
Verizon. Oh Verizon. The most expensive carrier. The most expensive carrier’s users are the only ones who get this special discount.
They don’t need it. I need it. I have Metro PCS for God’s sake. Do you know what they call MetroPCS in the hood? Metro Piece of Shit. It’s true. Check Urban Dictionary.
I don’t know about the rest of you but I’ve willfully accepted that Google owns my life. One public display of many of my Google searches and my whole damn life is over. I’ve Googled some weird shit.
The Google Pixel is the next obvious step in my overall demise. Have you read this entire blog post? I’m clearly going to need that Pixel camera for my future vlogging career on my Google owned YouTube channel.
That’s how I ended up Googling “Verizon jobs”.
Low and behold. My oh bloody my. A job as a copywriter. Jackpot.
- Portfolio required
How do I create one of those? Oh God. Can’t my degrees in English and Marketing be enough? No? Oh God.
Pour me another drink, please.
This isn’t your typical “Oh hey, a squirrel!” story of being attention deficit.
This is the real shit in all its messy glory.
I’m creative! I can be a copywriter! I can come up with brilliant ideas!
How about turning tears into alcohol?